Morning YouTubeness: Somewhat Fast

Good morning, all. In a search for some new NFL clips, I stopped when I saw this compilation of Devin Hester highlights. The dude is just disgustingly fast, and pretty much expects to return every kickoff and punt.

There comes a point in the clip below that looks like every other player on the field is slowed down with Hester at full speed. Rediculous.

Morning YouTubeness: Purple Jesus

While Monday's are typically awful, I'd have to argue that this one may not be so bad. Well, unless you're one of those guys that swapped Adrian Peterson for Sammy Morris right before game time in your fantasy football league.

Peterson tore up the vaunted Chicago defense for 361 all-pupose yards and three touchdowns. He made half of the team look like they were standing still for the majority of his 20 carries. NFL players don't average 11 yards per carry through an entire game. Especially rookies. Against Chicago. Except one man. Purple Jesus.

Check out the run that takes place about 50 seconds in. Absolutely sick. Enjoy.



Bad. Ass. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Morning YouTubeness: Kick Return Clinic

Morning, all.

While the Chicago Bears quarterback situation is an absolute disaster right now, it seems that the whole kick-returning thing is working pretty well.

If the Bears defense can just hold teams to field goals and then let Devin Hester get his hands on the ball, they may have a chance to win some games. A few more plays like this and we're going to see Hester in the backfield, you can pretty much guarantee it.

If only Howard Cossell could see this guy run. Enjoy!

Extra, Extra...

A few news updates to mention today now that week 2 is in the books...

Looks like all of the Brandon Jackson hype may be all for naught. Also looks like fantasy owners will want to steer clear of yet another committee. [Green Bay Press-Gazette]

Lovie Smith puts wide receiver Mark Bradley in his place: the sidelines. [Chicago Tribune]

Jack Del Rio isn't happy with Matt Jones. As if being passed by Dennis Northcutt on the depth chart wasn't humiliating enough. [Florida Times Union]

Eli Manning continues to be tougher than Brandon Jacobs. [New York Daily News]

The Falcons are taking a gander at Byron Leftwich. Odd, I thought Joey Harrington was the answer. This is assuming that the question was "Who's going to be absolutely awful this season?" [Atlanta Journal-Constitution]

And finally, The Tank could be rolling into Dallas. Of course, this would be after his suspension is lifted. [Dallas Morning News]

Sexy Rexy, Mental Midget?

Get ready for a little person rally on the streets of San Diego.

With the Chicago Bears taking a beating from the San Diego Chargers this past weekend, the insults are continuing to bubble up. This time, the Chicago Tribune reports that linebacker Matt Wilhelm quoted coach Ron Rivera in calling Bears quarterback Rex Grossman a "mental midget."

The puffy-chested Chargers postgame remarks simply warned the Bears that future opponents will want to get inside their heads because, word around the league is, there's plenty of room.

This all coming down the pike after the Bears were upset regarding their defense being displayed as the weaker half against LaDanian Tomlinson in a Nike commercial. While failing to prove the media wrong on said advertisement, their offense took a beating as well with linebacker Shaun Phillips delivering a sack that Grossman deemed the "hardest hit he's ever taken."

But did anyone hit Matt Wilhelm in the head?

Thinking here is that Wilhelm is in fact the "mental midget." Who takes something the coach tells the team in private to the media - ESPECIALLY when it refers to how dumb an opposing player may possibly be - and think that it is perfecty acceptable? Has anyone even cared about what Matt Wilhelm has had to say since Ohio State? Even then he probably wasn't providing in-depth thoughts.

For the record, Rivera considered Wilhelm's revelation regrettable and said in a phone interview that he addressed the matter with the linebacker.

No kidding. You mean that Rivera doesn't like being in that light? The San Diego coaching staff may want to hire some PR staff to follow their players around when confronted with media opportunities. We all know that Grossman isn't exactly thought of as the Albert Einstein of football, but Wilhelm definitely blew by him on the Low-IQ freeway.

Midget Remark... [Chicago Tribune]

Picture courtesy of KSK

Ten Inches of Forecasting

As everyone an their step-brother are making predictions for this season, I figured that there's enough room for one more blogger to jump on board.

I had something a bit more colorful planned, but due to a lack of time - all you're getting is content today.

AFC North: Baltimore Ravens
AFC South: Indianapolis Colts
AFC East: New England Patriots
AFC West: San Diego Chargers

AFC Wildcards: Denver Broncos, Cincinnati Bengals

NFC North: Chicago Bears
NFC South: New Orleans Saints
NFC East: Philadelphia Eagles
NFC West: San Francisco 49ers

NFC Wildcards: Seattle Seahawks, Dallas Cowboys

AFC Champ: New England Patriots
NFC Champ: New Orleans Saints

Super Bowl Champ: New England Patriots

And yes, this pick is made strictly based on my ability to curse a team by selecting them. I'm actually going to be pulling for the Saints to win the whole she-bang this season...with the Chargers close behind.

The AFC North is going to be a three-horse race, and I could easily see the Steelers getting that wild card bid over the defenseless Bengals. The Rams may surprise a few people, as well as the Cards - but I'm sticking with my Seahawk-Niners combo. And don't underestimate the Broncos this season...They could easily go 13-3.

But that's why they play the season... Go Browns.

NFL Players Hate Commercials

Memo to athletes. Any time a commercial depicts an athletic event, there's typically someone that wins as well as someone that loses. Do these always directly represent perception? Of course not. If you're going to display competition, someone has to lose...it's the way it is.

Where am I going with this? Remember the LaDanian Tomlinson commerical in my last post? Well, apparently the Chicago Bears are upset that it depicts them looking like swiss cheese as Tomlinson tears them apart one by one. When asked of reaction, Tomlinson replied with the following:

"In fact I read something somebody sent me that Urlacher said to ask me how many yards I had the last time I played them four years ago. There you go. That tells me how they feel about it."

NFL.com reports that Tomlinson was "held" to 61 yards and a touchdown on 16 carries in 2003. While nearing four yards a carry isn't exactly what the video shows, its still not bad.

This all goes back to Dallas Clark crying about his Madden character getting nearly beheaded in a commercial. Apparently, EA Sports should be more careful with who they select to get lit up in an advertisement. Of course, when the Colts played the Eagles, Clark did go down with an injury, so maybe the Bears are just looking out for theirs.

Nike will now have to create commercials of all athletes having fun, but not at the expense of anyone else. We wouldn't want anyone's feelings being hurt in the meantime.

Bears and Chargers Subplot [NFL.com]
Dallas Clark Is Not Happy With You, John Madden [Mr. Irrelevant]
School Says Game Of Tag Is Out [Fox News]

Three For Three

Awful Announcing has been all over the National Football League this morning.

Instead of simply posting info with a high-five of love, I'll just link you all that way to check it out for yourselves.

A Stu Scott Approved version of Simon Says...

David Ball has no need for two hands...

Jessee Palmer is back, and better than ever...

Well done, AA.

Busted!

What kind of world do we live in today when we aren't allowed to write stalker-type messages to former Playboy Playmates? What is this, Russia?

The Aurora-Beacon News reports that a fellow by the name of Edson Diaz has been pinched for sending "threatening and insulting" notes to one Jennifer Walcott, of August 2001 fame, via her MySpace page. It appears that Mr. Diaz assumed that one of the biggest networking sites in the world, owned by a media mogul, was free of any sort of tracking devices that could link back to him.

The best part? The backhanded explanation by Walcott's manager, Dan O'Grady.

"It seems that the guy was just angry at hot girls," O'Grady said. "He could just be an angry guy who has no luck with girls and decided to act in a real dumb way."

So wait, sending messages entailing "You're going to suffer" isn't a great way to pick up girls? Thanks for playing, Edson.

Walcott could not be reached for comment.

Oh, and if you're wondering what this has to do with football, Walcott is currently dating Chicago Bears defensive back Adam Archuleta. I'm sure you're now all heading to Google Images. Move along.

(h/t to Larry Brown)

Marshawn Lynch, Orator

Busy day here, with not a lot of news to discuss.

Lance Briggs is still stupid, Michael Vick is still in trouble, and Bernie Kosar is still a drunk.

For now, check out this video of Marshawn Lynch forming sentences that I never thought to be possible.



(h/t to E via Mr. I)

Samuel Makes Money, Briggs Wastes It

Two of the bigger stories in the NFL today have to do with, surprise, money.

The New England Patriots have finally agreed to terms with disgruntled defensive back Asante Samuel. Samuel had one heck of a season last year, registering 64 tackles and 10 interceptions for the Pats, and decided he wanted to get paid for his work.

After missing only three preseason games, Samuel has signed a one-year deal with New England said to be worth $7.79 million - the quivalent of the tender offered to him after the team slapped him with the Franchise tag.

While the ink was drying on Samuel's deal, news has sufaced that a $350,000 Lamborghini registered in the name of linebacker Lance Briggs was found wrapped around a light post in Chicago. No word on if Briggs was actually behind the wheel.

Police said it doesn't appear that anyone was injured in the crash. Whoever was behind the wheel of the luxury Italian sports car could face misdemeanor charges for improper lane usage and leaving the scene of the accident, St. Clair said.

If in fact it was Briggs, I can't wait for good ol' Roger to weigh in. The fact that Briggs also had some contract issues (also regarding the dreaded "franchising") make this even that much more interesting if he's to miss any games. Too be continued...

Morning YouTubeness: I Will Not Lose

Happy Friday, folks. This guy's name is Jonathan Vilma. He's a middle linebacker for the New York Jets. While the "I Will Not Lose" bit is somewhat ironic given the move that Adrian Peterson put on him, he still seems like a decent guy.

A 3.5 grade point average is good for anyone, especially someone that has to dedicate as much time to extracurriculars as Vilma. Unless you're Craig Krenzel. Because he was a 4.0 molecular science major, in case you didn't hear that over 45 times over the last few years. Maybe that's why Vilma's still in the NFL...

Morning YouTubeness: Can't Touch This

Good morning, all. It was between posting a video of another NFL.com Fantasy File, or something older as there isn't much out there to keep my interest this morning. One thing I am interested in is seeing Chicago's Devin Hester on offense this season. Check out this video of some old Hester footage. Don't blink, you may miss a clip or two.

NFL Show And Tell

If you watched any of the Colts/Lions game on Thursday night, you were likely inundated with countless loops of the NFL's "Take a Player to School" campaign. The clips I was graced with featured New York Giants defensive lineman(?) Michael Strahan...similar to what can be seen here.

The clip alone is funny on many different levels considering the recent rumors that have been spread by his wife (or ex-wife, for that matter), but also in the fact that Strahan probably isn't up for the bidding given that he isn't even a "player" at this point.

This got me thinking...If I were to win this contest, and just happened to be a kid in grade school that would be eligible, who would I pick?

An obvious choice would be Rex Grossman. Bonus points if I went to school in Miami. There's always the chance that he'd ditch me to bag the teacher, so that may not work out in the end.

I could opt for someone like Willis McGahee. We all know that he's great with kids. As long as we didn't have to go back to Buffalo, this could be a go.

Not that this place gets that many readers anyways, but who would you all bring to the table? High-fives all around to anyone who replies.

(And you're all welcome for the uber-straight Strahan picture)

Grossman: I Wasn't Being Lazy, I Just Sucked

The Fig Cap: Grossman Says, "Hayden is too sexy for his cleats... the way he's disco dancing."

It must be a slow week in the NFL when a story like this has to come out, but hey, I guess it gives me material to make fun of, right? Anyway, remember that play in the Super Bowl when Chicago Bears QB Rex Grossman threw an interception that the Indianapolis Colts' Kelvin Hayden caught and ran back for a TD? Well, it appeared that Grossman was trying as hard as I tried to go Vegan to tackle Hayden and for some reason Grossman felt like he had to answer the question when asked about his loafing:

"First, I thought he had stepped out of bounds," Grossman said. "Then I thought he was going to cut back [toward the center of the field]. Then I couldn't get around somebody and was thinking, 'What's going on?'"

The boy was just assuming things, misread an opponent's move, and was basically confused... all great qualities of a QB you want leading your team in the Super Bowl. Yeah, that was sarcasm.

But, seriously, enough Grossman bashing. It's done and a new season will be upon us soon as I'm about to be all over a hamburger after I write this. I can't wait! For the new season and the burger.